My constant love/ hate relationship with motherhood

Motherhood: the state of being a mother. That’s it?!

I feel like this definition is too short and vague. I bet you if you asked any mom about motherhood, none of them would describe it like that. Motherhood/ parenthood is so complex that it cannot simply be defined by a single sentence. It needs a book, a blog, maybe even an encyclopedia. This is why I have a constant love/ hate relationship with it. Here are some thoughts that run through my mind on a regular basis: my struggles with motherhood.
Am I good enough vs. I am a great mom?!
I want to run away vs. oh my what a wonderful life I have?!
Does anyone want to buy my kids vs. I could not imagine my life without them?!
Why did I do this to myself vs. I think we should have 1 more?!
I am on the verge of insanity vs. these kids give me euphoria?!
I can’t possibly handle another sleepless night vs. I just want to stay up and stare at them?!
I can’t wait for them to grow up vs. please stay babies forever?!
If I have to clean up one more spill vs. gosh soon enough I will miss these days?!
Sh&t I should not have said that to my kids vs. f*ck it, they need to learn the hard way?!
Don’t climb that ladder you will hurt yourself vs. oh well, how else will they learn?!
Wash your hands, feet, face … vs. what the heck, they need to build their immune system?!
Just walk away vs. NO, learn to be mean, defend yourself and your beliefs?!
Get off of your electronics and spend time with your family vs. please stay away from me for the next 6 hours?!
I want to lock you in a closet vs. my heart breaks every time I have to teach you a lesson?!

You see, I love these little humans that we have created so much that it hurts. Literally, I feel pain when they are not feeling good or sad. My heart skips a beat when they hug me and cuddle with me. My mind and soul are at peace when they are with me. Sometimes I can not sleep if one of them is not in my bed. I miss them when they are at a sleepover. I look forward to game days, movie nights, walks, bbq, play dates and more. But I worry about them 24/7 and not just for that day; I worry for their future. My mind is planning things years in advance and creating scenarios to prepare us for all possible outcomes. I want to be there for them, guide them through this cruel yet beautiful life. I want them to be happy, healthy and well off. I love their love for each other, their creativity, and thoughtfulness. They have a heart of gold. They love unconditionally. They are smart, tough, and caring.

However, I want to pull my hair out when they don’t listen, misbehave or have a bad day. I get sad when I have to put them in time out or take away something they love. I cry because I get so frustrated and mad that I am loosing control. I am embarrassed or I laugh at myself because of the mistakes I make. I push myself to do the unthinkable sometimes just to make them happy and then they screw it all up. They have ruined special occasions and events. They fight like cats and dogs. They talk back and love to interrupt us at all costs.

So you see, there is literally a 50/50 chance of someone having a bad day: mom vs kids. Why is this so complicated? Why do I struggle with it so much? Did our parents ever think like this? How healthy is this? Do you see my point?! Am I loosing it? I hate that I am questioning myself, my intentions, and that I am somehow loosing a piece of myself in the process but I love how much I have grown at the same time. Is this the whole point? To make mistakes, teach each other, learn to be a better person, to be more patient, to love harder and never give up?! I wouldn’t trade this life, but it is not easy. It’s definitely more then just “a state of being a mother.”

I guess as long as I can manage this highly functioning craziness – it’s all good. Now back to my regularly scheduled struggles of motherhood!

P.S. Send wine – thanks.

x, Dijana

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